With plane tickets in hand and empty suitcases waiting to be filled, I was struggling. Struggling with the enormity of what is about to happen with meeting (and leaving) Ryan. Struggling with accepting how very different this adoption has been compared to McKenzie's. There were just so many things weighing so heavily and the more I worked and planned and relied on myself to fix all this anxiety, the worse it got. I tried blame shifting the problem on all sorts of things, but last night I was trying to fall asleep and I hear...you were called to be bold in your faith.
Somewhere along the way I lost sight of that, and the farther I veered off the path, the harder I struggled with everything that is happening. I know with absolute certainty that God has called us to these children, but I've made the mistake of letting fear of the unknown and fear of change take over. I haven't been trusting the Lord to go before me, I've been relying on myself to handle everything about a journey that isn't even about me. It's about Him, and honoring Him by saying yes to His will for my life, and being bold and finding strength in Him. He is faithful, and He is in charge, and He will bring Ryan home, and it will all be for His glory. My job is to obey, and get out of the way.
For the first time in weeks I slept like a baby. It's so very freeing to know that we have a Heavenly Father that comforts us when we're fearful, but also reminds us that as Christians we aren't called to be comfortable, we're just called. I woke up renewed, peaceful, and so excited about the journey ahead. Less than 2 weeks to go!
I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them; I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth. These are the things I will do; I will not forsake them.