So every Sunday after church I kind of go over in my head what I heard, what I learned, how it applies to my life, etc. I can't get out of my head how someone described being in this dark place where they hated someone...like the real deal hate...and how he carried that hate in his heart for so long that he eventually didn't even recognize that it was there anymore. You kind of patch up all the hurt spots and push all those feelings deep down and ignore them, but avoiding situations and people isn't the same as forgiving them. That requires ripping off those bandages and dealing with some ugly stuff, and that's no easy task.
I don't know...I felt really convicted this morning that I need to offer forgiveness to someone who has hurt me on the deepest levels imaginable, and revisiting those things will be really scary. I've been in this dark place and it just keep getting darker as the layers keep being pulled back. Lots of painful events and trauma that all points back to this one person. I have let the hate I feel towards them, and all that darkness and bitterness that comes along with hate, invade every aspect of my life. It affects my judgement of situations, my reaction to people in need, what kind of parent I am, how I choose to love my husband, what kind of friend I am, and most importantly it affects my ability to turn my life over to Christ and trust Him fully. I'm always holding pieces back, always looking for ways to independently fix my own problems, because I want to hide that dark part. Ignore it, and if I turn that over to Him I HAVE to deal with it and until now I've never felt strong enough to do it, but I don't need to be strong, I just need to trust. So, after much conviction, and having the exact thing preached in my face this morning and hearing about the awesome healing and redemption that comes with obedience to Him, I'm ready to turn it all over, give my heart to Him fully, and trust him to lead me out of that dark place and show grace and forgiveness to someone who I've never before considered deserving of it.
I don't know why I felt led to share all of that, other than it helped me to hear that someone struggled through some dark places but came out the other side stronger in their faith and walking closer to Him. I thought maybe there is someone out there who needed to hear the same thing.
Please pray for me this week! I'm waiting to hear about travel to meet Cliff and it already feels like a weight has been lifted knowing I can go into the struggles of getting him healthy and on the road to becoming a loved member of our fsmily without all that stone surrounding my heart. Love you guys and have a great week!